Adoption secrets can just clutter up the relationship section of your soul. They can be an overwhelming fact which parents would not want to share or just didn’t know how to. No parent would plan to deceive a child and it’s the age old parental desire to ‘protect’ which becomes a prime motivator. Also to them discussing adoption becomes like opening Pandora’s box.
Based on the following, parents can assess whether or not to hold back;
- Who else has this information?
- What is the likelihood that it can be discovered accidentally?
- Once the child finds out later, how will they feel? Will they still be able to trust you?
- How will this affect respect and communication?
- If you think this is something the outside world can get judgmental about, then evaluate whether the former or your child’s ability to trust and attach to you is more important.
- The fact that you make the issue unspeakable – children tend to fill in blanks with worse things than reality.
- It is very valuable to let children hear about their birth countries, caretakers and cultural heritage.
The process of adoption discussions begins at birth and progresses throughout the formative years of a child’s development. At different ages and levels of maturity their questions and needs in answers change. Always be honest and supportive, as all this eventually reflects in your child’s comfort and adjustment.
From infancy on, children alternate between bonding with their caregivers and learning to become independent. Infants begin to gain independence by learning to crawl and then walk. As infants become toddlers, they start to give nonverbal and later verbal messages that express their wishes and opinions.
Up to about age 6, children absorb information rapidly, asking questions nonstop. They are able to think about being abandoned, getting lost, or no longer being loved by their parents. They often have trouble telling the difference between reality and fantasy. At the same time, they experience separation from loved ones as they attend preschool or daycare programs and broaden their interests and group of friends.
The inner lives of children take shape between the ages of 6 and 11. From the security of their families, children begin to expand their horizons and participate in more activities away from home. It can be a difficult time. Children must cement their sense of belonging to their family while mastering the knowledge and skills required for independence. It is no wonder that by the time they become teenagers their struggles to form an identity may feel overwhelming and may lead to perplexing, and sometimes troublesome, behavior.
Issues such as separation, loss, anger, grief and identity will be shown and expressed as your adopted child grows up. Some will be obvious at most of the development stages, while other will surface at specific times. The more you understand how your child behaves and why, the more supportive you can be in helping them to grow with healthy self esteem and the knowledge that they are loved.
What To Do ?
Show through attention and affection that you love your child and that your child can depend on you. Providing a loving and nurturing environment is the best thing adoptive parents can do. Lots of holding and interaction can facilitate bonding. As they grow older, they need to hear that their adoptive family is forever and that there are laws that make this so. Parents need to go over reasons for their adoption stressing that this had nothing to do with the child in particular but with the situation at that time. Give them a comfort level and a forum to be able to ask. Take natural opportunities to bring up discussion of birth relatives and circumstances surrounding adoption. The more naturally you can discuss these topics, the more comfortable the child will feel about bringing them up.
As they reach adolescence, they need to be provided with ways to express thoughts and feelings, but also need to be allowed privacy to work them through internally. They will need extra support in dealing with issues that takes on special meaning for them – identity formation, fear of rejection and abandonment, issues of control, feeling of not belonging and curiosity of the past.
Loss – a feeling that runs through out the lives of children who have been adopted. This can further lead to feeling devalued and low self esteem. Your willingness to connect with your children about their adoptions and not to deny differences between being adopted and being born into a family can help them. Help them build trust and gain confidence that you will not abandon them. This will also assist them develop psychological identification that distinguishes them as individuals.
Tran racially adopted children can be helped by making sure that the family frequently associates with other adults and children of the same ethnic background as their child. They should celebrate their own and their child’s culture as past of daily life. Explain to them that the birth process is the same for everyone but acknowledge that people in different cultures have distinguishing physical features and their own rich heritage.
Make books and articles available, connect with other adoptive families or seek help of a counselor who can listen impartially to your child. Also agencies providing post adoption services, adoptive parent support groups can help.
The more confident parents are, the more willing children will be to share their thoughts and feelings and the more relaxed family and friends will feel. Provide a comfortable and accepting atmosphere, where children can communicate the questions they are thinking about and get answers they are searching for. Attempt to be honest without burdening children with more information than they are able to cope up with. Your own clear and comfortable understanding of your own personal feelings eases the discussion.
The idea of a Life Book works very well for some as it makes telling the adoption story easier, and also discussion of adoption issues that can be challenging for parents to talk about otherwise. Very similar to scrap booking, life books can have pages that have pictures and journaling about different times in your child’s life. Starting from your waiting time, to pictures of where your child lived, country specific info, copies of legal documents and stuff emphasizing your child’s positive character traits. Thus through life books, there is an excellent opportunity to talk about positive image, identity, intimacy, family, problems and life management. Children would know they just didn’t show up out of nowhere but there was a long tedious process to their placement.
Finally …
Create a family environment that is open, honest and non defensive about adoption issues, so children have the opportunity and freedom to explore their feelings about adoption and strengthen your emotional connection to them as well. This openness will affirm adoption normalcy and make the building blocks of your child’s developmental foundation strong. They will develop a sense of control, worth and identity, helping their self esteem and also giving a better sense of who they are.
Finally you must have faith that the bonding that occurred in the early years between you and your child, the trust that has built as they grew up, and the communication that you have established will come full circle and provide rich and rewarding relationships for you and your children.
Resources:
Adoptive parent groups, national organizations, community, faith-based, and school-based programs can all be helpful resources to families created by adoption. These organizations can provide a range of support - from parenting tips, educational resources, diversity and cultural awareness programs, to family recreational activities, neighborhood networks, and respite care.
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse distributes the National Adoption Directory, which has listings of public and private adoption agencies, State and local child welfare agencies, and legal resources, and State by State listings for adoptive parent and search support groups. The directory is available online at: http://naic.acf.hhs.gov/
Shamylla Yaser
If you ever walk through an orphanage, it will be an experience you’ll never forget. Witnessing children in poverty, children discarded, children stunted both physically and emotionally, will stir your heart beyond belief. And adopting a child is a joy as great as witnessing the first sharp intake of breath by your very own newborn infant.
The suffering of orphans vary from country to country, but even in the US, where conditions are as good as they get outside of Western Europe, less than 20% of those that age out of the foster care system are completely self-sufficient as young adults.
The conditions elsewhere are sad and sadder, and the need for families to take these children home is dire, in some cases a matter of life and death. The orphans in Sierra Leone bear pain and suffering that no human being should have to endure. Food, potable water, and healthcare are in short supply. The median age in Sierra Leone is 17. Due to war and shortages of food supply, many of these children won’t make it to that median age.
The future looks bleak for the even the average orphan. In Russia, 40% of the orphans who never find homes as children become homeless as adults, and 10% commit suicide after aging out of the system.
For those with special needs the future is even grimmer. Disabilities are not tolerated anywhere in the world as well as they are in the United States. Wheelchair ramps and accessible public bathrooms are just a couple of outward signs of how integrated our society is. In many countries, special needs orphans will never leave the institution. In Russia, they are considered incurable invalids and put in a sanatorium for life. Kimberly Reese described the situation in both Hungary and Bulgaria, “I saw NO special needs people ANYWHERE outside the orphanages.”
Susan Buchholz adopted from Vietnam twice. Both of her Vietnamese daughters are special needs children. The only people she saw outside the orphanage with disabilities were those peddling postcards to tourist.
She also witnessed many children begging on the streets. This image still haunts her. Poverty is a way of life in Vietnam. She describes bringing home her second daughter, Teresa. “Even at 14 months of age, she had only had formula and “rice soup” which I imagine to be a kind of rice cereal. Thai, from International Mission of Hope, told us that Vietnamese families do no teach their children to feed themselves until they are 7 or 8 years old to limit their intake of food. He said the teachers in the younger grades also feed their students for the same reason.”
Bulgaria’s orphans suffer emotional neglect. Kimberly Reese adopted two children from Hungary and one from Bulgaria. “Ella’s orphanage in Bulgaria was awful. I can say that both of my Hungarian children were well cared for and came home very stable emotionally. My Bulgarian child was clearly mistreated. …she was like a wild animal. It was very sad.”
Like Susan, Kimberly adopted special needs children. Kimberly’s oldest child, Nikki, is missing most of her left hand. Nikki was offered to Kimberly and her husband by the adoption agency and since they didn’t think her special need was a big deal, they accepted her. “Once we got Nikki home, we realized that these kids rarely ever get adopted in Europe– unless by Americans. Nikki is so wonderful. We requested special needs after that.” Ella’s special needs were emotional. Their youngest, David, was adopted from Hungary and doesn’t have any hands. “Because both Nikki and David have upper limb deformities, Ella always wants to be just like them. Strange, isn’t it? She wants a hand like Nikki’s or arms like David’s. I have seen her try to eat or drink using her elbows like David.”
These disabilities are a part of a natural life to Susan’s and Kimberly’s families. Life is a joy with their beautiful children, and if anything the disabilities create laughter. “One of the funniest comments I remember was when we first brought Nikki home. My cousin had adopted two kids form the states and we were having a party to celebrate. We were at the pizza place and my little cousin said, ‘Kim, don’t panic! They have got to be here somewhere!’ He was so serious that I started to get concerned as he almost frantically looked around for something. I said, ‘what is it, baby?!’ He said, ‘I’m sure Nikki had them when she came in but she has dropped three of her fingers!’ It was a scream!”
International adoption allows parents to offer a better– a much better– life to a child from an underprivileged country. Hundreds of thousands of children are waiting for families to rescue them from coming of age in an orphanage.
Tanya Sturman
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